Sometimes the simplest event can change your point of view and can point your heart a little more towards the road to forgiveness and understanding.
I grew up fairly terrified of the water. By that, I don’t mean “water” the element itself, but pools, lakes, anything in which I’ve found myself with water above about chest high. Add other people to the mix and my fight or flight mechanism kicks in with a fury.
When I was younger, my father would chase me around the swimming pool. He would promise not to do anything scary. And then he would dunk me bodily into the pool… something I found quite scary. After enough episodes of this, I did not want anyone within splashing distance of me.
When they tried to give me swimming lessons, I freaked out if anyone touched me, yet was too scared to swim if they weren’t holding me. Eventually I taught myself to swim in a 2 1/2 foot deep wading pool with no one around.
To this day, I need to keep a buffer around me when I’m in the water or my anxiety gets the best of me, even becoming quite violent if someone wants to play around. And deep water is tough. I love to go wake boarding, but always have to deal with serious nerves while waiting in the water.
Last week, my 11-month old daughter had her first swimming lesson. Sitting there in the pool holding her was like some kind of role-reversal deja vu. Now I was the father. Now I was the one being trusted not to do anything scary.
I assume this feeling is universal to all fathers: I want my daughter to be fearful enough to stay safe, but bold enough to live a full and joyful life. And this translates into everything we do together, and quite acutely in this situation where my fear had held me back from experiencing the joy of being in the water.
My hope is that together, with love and understanding and a healthy dose of mercy, my daughter and I will learn and live into the right kind of fear. That her memories will be of the splashing and the fun and the time spent together, rather than the times that I slipped or misjudged and caused her to swallow water. And that my fear of becoming like my own father won’t stop me from becoming the dad I want to be.
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2 comments on "Swimming in Redemption"
1
That’s one of the hardest parts of being a dad. Pushing enough so they can explore and have new experiences but cautious enough to be safe. I’m still looking for that balance with Nathan. And probably my own life, too.
2
Man, and it gets harder every day! The more skills she learns, the more dangerous the world becomes!