I don’t know about you, but I find that I dwell a lot on the question of “who am I?” Who am I in my career, who am I to my church, who am I as a husband, who am I as a father, who am I going to be in 10 years…
For a long time, I’ve thought that the way to be a better person is through lots of self reflection. Through constantly asking myself these “who am I” questions. That somehow through this reflection, I will find my true identity and make my place in this world.
But the more I think about it and the more I read the Bible, and the more I engage in this self-reflection, I find that maybe the deeper I look inside, the more lost I get. That maybe I wasn’t made for this world, so time spent seeking to find a place in it is time wasted.
In seeking the “right” career, I might miss out on the family I’m trying to support. In studying to be the “right” father, I might miss my daughter’s first word or one of her beautful smiles. In trying to be the “right” husband, I might cheapen or miss entirely the oportunity for romance and adventure in my marriage. In all the planning ahead it takes to be the right anything, I miss out on all the opportunities right in front of me if I would only be present and looking outward.
When I plan and seek to change my own life, this journey becomes a series of activities. A list of accomplishments. Here’s what I’ve done for folks in my life… here’ what I’ve done for God. I see this in my church and it makes me angry. All the more because it reflects my own character.
The habits of my church have become my personal habits. The habit that has me focused on ministry instead of on Jesus. The habit that has me focused on doing activity instead of loving people. Why do I get excited about “doing work” in the community, but dread having to sit through a meal with those I’m doing the work for?
If I sit with those who are broken and need help, then I am associating with “that type of person.” And in doing so, I might see my own reflection. An uncomfortable spot when I spend so much time trying to prove I’m NOT broken and that I don’t need help.
On the last and greatest day of the Feast, Jesus stood and said in a loud voice, “If anyone is thirsty, let him come to me and drink. Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, streams of living water will flow from within him.”
John 7:37-39
When I focus on myself, I stop up those waters. It’s only when I look outward to Jesus and the other people around me that they can flow.
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4 comments on "Who am I? Here I am!"
1
Wow. This post really hits me. I have definitely been to places in my life where self-reflection has become self-absorption. There is a balance to be struck there, but finding it is ongoing work.
Thank you for sharing those thoughts.
2
Maria,
Thank you for your comment. You’re right, that balance is so hard to find. Especially when media and all the “common sense” around us seems to want to tip that balance towards absorption and entitlement.
Even with this blog, I think my intentions are innocent enough, but it’s easy to think that maybe I have the answers and when I’m thinking that way, my posts come across as shallow and do anything but invite others into the conversation.
I’m glad you accepted the invitation.
-Mike
3
wow, I just read this post for a second time…
Really great stuff – you hit the nail on the head with your comments on missing out on things because you’re spending too much time seeking, studying etc… I can relate with this post on so many levels…
4
Self reflection can certainly be a good thing, but seems like it should be more like taking an internal temperature than take an internal vacation, you know?